Gimme a hat!

I have developed a theory, that I will put forth here, that says animals of all types, only fight each other for one reason. The desire for hats. I think that when you see for example, two wolves fighting each other, what do you see> A lot of snarling, growling, and even biting one another. "Scientists" and "wildlife experts" would say it's over territory, or mating, or even food.  I say consider this possibility: Wolf A is walking along the forest, looking for a hat to wear. He comes upon another wolf, Wolf B, also looking for a hat. Now, wolf A thinks to himself, "I bet that other wold has a hat for me to wear, and I would like to get it from them." The problem is that Wolf B, being approached by Wolf A, thinks that he has a hat that Wolf B wouldn't like, and therefore, growls and snarls at the other wolf to scare them away, and their poor fashion sense. The natural reaction of the first wolf, Wolf A, is that the second wolf does in fact have a hat, and is just being selfish. Now, at this point, you're saying to yourself, "how do wolves even understand the concept of hats to being with?" It's a very good question. Now, you are watching these two wolves fight each other and if you're an "expert" you deduce that it must over something like food or mating, and don't even consider the option of truth as I call it, that the fight is over hats. Dogs and cats fight for this reason, as dogs instinctively feel as though cats are possessing better hats, and they want them. You say to yourself, why do some animals like, "predators" eat other animals instead of just holding them down and attempting hat theft? My theory id that for example, an owl, upon catching a mouse, and realizing the mouse must be hiding the hat, (it's not wearing it) and so the owl figures the mouse must have swallowed the hat, and must be opened to find it. Upon finding no hat, the owl thinks to itself, it's hungry, and might as well eat the remainder of the mouse, sans hat. Now, you might be saying to yourself, this is all a bunch of ridiculous bullshit, and Matt is an idiot.



Well, find the nearest animal, conduct a thorough interview, and prove me wrong...

Bowl of what?

So I go to the Renaissance festival last year and they have a show with various birds from all over the world. One of these birds they show is the african vulture that can de-bone a chicken leg while being held by a trainer in 5 seconds. Very impressive. Ill bet in the wild that situation occurs everyday. So in telling us the virtue of the bird, the trainer guy says the immune system of the bird is so strong it can eat a bowl of anthrax and survive. Interesting. But my question is obvious, how in the hell did they find that out? Did the trainer happen to have a bunch of vultures at one time and then they got into his stash of anthrax and only one lived, having only eaten a bowl full? Or was he experimenting with how much anthrax it would take to kill a vulture, and a teaspoon wasn't enough, a bucket was too much, but a bowl was just right. Maybe the vulture ran out of food one day, and the only thing the trainer had left was anthrax, and he liked it. Does the trainer sprinkle anthrax on the chicken leg for the bird before he feeds it to him? Kinda like salt? Does he have like a petting zoo situation for the bird, and kids can give it little cubes of anthrax to eat, just no more than a bowl full?

low what?

So, the Home Depot tells me they are slashing prices, and they even have signs in the store that tell you what the price was before they slashed it. So, basically they're saying, "We were going to fuck you this hard, but we felt bad so we lowered the price and we're only going to fuck you this hard." How sweet of them. It's like a guy comes up to you and says, I was going to hit you in the face, but now I'm only going to hit you in the stomach. How benevolent of them to lower the price on our behalf. It's like they didn't think we lowly commoners could afford such extravagant prices, so they'd better lower them for the rest of us. Seriously? You can't just lower the price and leave it at that?

questions

So I've been watching the biggest loser against my will here recently , and it has honestly given me more questions then answers.

How do they feel being fat?

What do they hope to get out of appearing on the biggest loser?

Are they nervous about meeting the trainers?

Is the training they are getting difficult?

Are they feeling like quitting?

Are they happy they are seeing results for the first time and hoping their friends and family will be proud of them?

Are they upset at the fact their housemates are going home?

Will they miss their housemates?

Do the contestants feel different seeing their before and after pictures midway throughout  he competition?

Had they ever thought they would ever get to this point into their weight loss? 

Is it up to them or someone else to finish the competition and lose the weight?

I've just seen them doing an activity, but will they explain that activity to me as well as their thoughts before and during that activity? 

And finally, has being on the biggest loser changed their life forever, and are they happier now then they have ever been in their life, do they feel like they have a new life, do they think their weight will continue to be a struggle, are they happy with the experience they had with the trainers and do they thank the trainers for all their hard work and miss their teammates they went through it with and will they cry while saying all this and maybe just maybe they will act different or have a different reaction then all the other goddamn contestants on all the other seasons that have been or ever will be???

Oh wait, all of these questions have been answered for me. and it's just the first five minutes!

home slice

So as a technician with dish network for 3 years, there are a few things I learned that I wish the customers would know. So as a service to the people who have service techs in their house, such as cable tv or plumbers, here is what you should know.

1. We don't give a shit if there are dirty clothes on the floor.
This is one of the most irritating things I always heard when walking into a house. A few items of clothing here and there doesn't make your house look like an episode of hoarders. We as technicians have been in houses that are straight out of hoarders. I can tell you this much, the show does nothing to demonstrate the smell of those houses. Like hot trash with pepper on it.

2. Your dog fucking bites. 
Oh, they don't bite. No dumb-ass, the dog doesn't bite you or your family. If it did, you wouldn't have the damn dog. I was bitten three times, all by dogs that didn't bite. And you know what those people said after their dogs bit me? "oh, they've never done that before." Well, fuck me running I'm so glad I was the first.

3. Stop following me. 
I know you are lonely and no one likes you, or you don't trust me and have to make sure I don't steal your Elvis plates, but stop following me around your house, in the attic, to my van, in the backyard, and in every goddamn bedroom. You know why I go in the attic? To get the fuck away from you. I know a guy who had a customer so close to his shoulder, he pulled the drill back after making a wall penetration and elbowed the customer in the face. You know what the customer did? Moved to the other side.

4. No, the shoes stay on.
I don't care what you do in your country mr. taliban, here in America unless you have white carpet you bleach every day along with your teeth the most I will do is put on little booties. It's a safety hazard and I don't want to step in the dog shit on your carpet in my socks. Seriously. I had a customer tell me to remove my shoes but in the corner they had dog shit on what used to be grey carpet.

5. I will not drink/smoke/inject anything you offer me.
I have been offered everything from a bowl of pot to a case of beer at 9 am on sunday. I'm flattered you feel comfortable enough with my presence to get me drunk/stoned before I begin work on your house, but falling off a ladder because you wanted to feel at one with me is just bad decision making on both our parts.

6. Ten feet won't matter.
I am what you call the subject matter expert. That means whatever I tell you is the way it is. Even if I just started I have already forgotten more that you know. In my case, when I said I could put the dish six feet off the ground instead of the tip of your very steep fucking roof, that's what I mean. The satellite is 20,000 miles away in space. Ten feet will not matter.

7. I'm not impressed.
Just because your wife/girlfriend/lover/dominatrix is standing there doesn't mean you have to brag about how much of a badass you are and how you could use the drill and do my job and all that goofy bullshit you think will make me seem like an idiot compared to you. If you knew how to do my job, you would do it yourself. Now go get drunk and forget you signed any paperwork.

8. Ummm, explain that please.
So we've covered I don't give a shit about your clothes on the floor or the trash not being taken out, but certain things DO require an explanation. Like for instance, (all true stories) the naked mannequin with flowers covering the crotch in your living room floor, answering the door by spraying febreze due to the smell of cat urine, the pictures of old west prostitutes lining your hallway, the bag of mysterious white powder laying on your bed, the backyard filled with roosters strategically tied by their feet as to not gain access to each other, why your ten year old son knows how to watch you taking a shower from the attic, man on horse porn in your dvd player. Yes, you will need to explain WTF when to comes to these items. Everything else, I  just want to get the fuck out of your house.

thank you world

I wake up from my dust-mite infested bed and stroll across my dead skin cell covered carpet to use the bathroom that has mold on the walls and chemicals in the toilet water even before I put the blue stuff in there. I turn on the water from the faucet that has fluoride and chlorine in it, and put my sea-weed made toothpaste on my fecal matter covered toothbrush. I brush for not quite long enough to truly get them clean and finish with mouthwash that for some reason is safe to put in my mouth but not to drink. I stroll to the childrens rooms and wake the from sleep they don't get enough of to perform well in school, and have them get dressed with clothes made by people the same age as them a world away. I feed the children cereal, with more dyes and preservatives then a dead body, whom I am told I am raising to have some sort of complex because I don't hug them for the right amount of time or tell them how great they are every second even if they haven't done anything. The children then step outside the house into the possible acid rain they will be exposed to while waiting to ride a giant vehicle that burns up the ozone layer and has no seat belts that takes them to an indoctrination facility. Or "school" if you prefer. There they will not be able to sit still and instead of being shown how to sit and learn as part of a productive member of society as was the case in the past, they will be doped up to the point of being mildly comatose as to not upset the federal funding the indoctrination facility receives. Breath. I myself will fix my own breakfast consisting of genetically engineered pork, eggs that come from chickens that do not have the ability to walk, and toast made from wheat that (according to the gub-ment) contains NO trace of the pesticides used on it by the farmers. I then get in my own metal box of death and after making it past the 1 mile radius of accident likelihood I arrive at a job that will slowly give me carpal tunnel syndrome in my hands and make me go blind do to staring at a computer screen all day after stealing company time by taking too long in the bathroom. I make sure to not effectively communicate with my boss thereby not getting that raise I could be entitled to, and I steal more company time looking online at social networking sites. After an exercise in both destroying  the roads I drive on, the environment, and wasting some more of my life sitting in traffic, I arrive back at the house in time to ignore the children, giving them plenty of angst to brood over as they sit in front of whatever device will keep them from having to think for themselves or create their own fun. I feed these same children foods filled with m.s.g., h.i.v., x.y.z. and poo poo pee. I later further my destruction of the environment by watching tv and learning how everything in the world is killing me and everyone in the world hates me for being me and how by watching tv about how I raising the children wrong I am in fact, raising them wrong and if I would only donate so many cents a day to a kid across the world who will grow up to suicide bomb me anyway and how I need to be aware of everything and everybody and their problems and I need to vote this way and that way and I eat too much of the wrong food and drive too many miles in the wrong car and live in too big of a wrong house and my kids are too dumb and Im too fat and I need to take Constipatelaxitivejockitch-a-latan to solve all my medical problems and the whole world is going to blow up if Im not looking and......

Fuck it, it's just a typical monday.

bored games

Yes, I know that title is spelled wrong for the purpose of this post, but you will get the point here shortly. So I keep hearing about these damn somali pirates and muslims in other countries trying to kill us and all the unrest in the middle east. Keep in mind we have no beginning or end east, just the middle. And it got me to thinking about what we never see in any of these news reports. Board games. I mean no wonder these people are so pissed off. You just think about how well monopoly would go over there. Their money already looks like monopoly money as it is, if they run out while playing instead of having everyone turn in $100 bills for $500 bills they could use their countries actual currency. Instead of a shoe and a top hat, they could have a camel and a turbin. Possibly a suicide bomber vest piece. And why would the crazies in afghanistan want to kill us if they could do it many times over by playing risk? The only learning curve would be teaching them how to count to operate the dice, but fuck it, they would have a blast. Those somali pirates would be so busy playing hungry hungry hippos they would forget they had no food to eat themselves in no time. And do you really think members of al ki-duh could hate us after playing the game of life and seeing the chances you take on the number of peg children you have to carry around in the car? I know what you're saying, where can I get really small saddles for my mice led government overthrow, but think about this for a minute, has anyone ever tried to introduce scrabble into egypt?