Signs

Seems everyone is putting out lists these days about how to tell if a guy is into you. So,  I have put together my own list for all you women out there.

FIVE SIGNS HE'S INTO YOU
By Matt Janak

1) He asks you out on a date, and then shows up.
Most guys will tell you they would like to take you out, and often times they do such things as make plans and clear their schedule to do so. This is a sure fire sign he likes you. "I once asked this woman out from the grocery store," says Greg, 28, "and then we went out later that week."

2) After the first date, he calls you to set up a second date.
This is probably the best way to determine if he is into you. A lot of guys will in fact ask for the second date if they enjoyed themselves on the first one. " We really hit it off when we went out for the first time, so I asked her out again the next night." Explains Tom, 21.

3)When the second date is over, he asks for a third and fourth date. 
Experts say this is the way most men nowadays proceed when they enjoy the company of a particular woman. Dr. Toppenbottom of University State College has done multiple studies on the subject, and has found the following: "What we have seen in the last few years is a tendency to ask for future dates if the first few were enjoyable for both parties."

4) He asks you to marry him after dating for a length of time.
Over the last few decades in America the statistics have shown that the majority of women getting married in recent years have dated the men for months or even years prior to the engagement. That was the case for Kate, 34. "We dated for about a year and a half before he asked me to marry him, and then I had a feeling he was into me."

5) He actually goes through with the marriage and bears children with you. 
Most anecdotal evidence leads people to believe that when a man actually marries a woman and later has children with her, this is a good indicator of him being "in" to her. So says Maria and Donald, both 43. "We dated for a couple years, got married, and had 3 children." says Maria. "After about 6 years I thought to myself, maybe he is into me." Donald adds, " Im into her."

Rye-ming

So I got to thinking, most sayings that last thought the years last because they rhyme. " an apple a day keeps the doctor away", " he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day", and think about all the songs people listen to over and over. They all rhyme n shit. So, as a public service to humanity, I have decided to create some of my own.

"Constipation everywhere do not hump an angry bear"

" Titties titties in my face where are zebras wearing lace?"

"Masturbate with cheese grater give yourself pain no greater"


"Poo poo pee pee in the sink, vomit on the roller rink"

"Alpaca buttocks on the wall, cabbage taint and you may fall"

"Me chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your coke"

Daycare

So I'm thinking that the current name (Robin's Nest) for a daycare by my house is a little, pussified. Basically a giant wimp factory for children. I think they should rename it to something that would make people want to bring their children there, something that even if you don't have children will make you want to go impregnate a random woman just to put them in this daycare. Here are a few names I've been kicking around and think would do the job niceley:

Rabies Nest


Anthrax For Kids

Weapons N Stuff

Lil' Sycos

Ma's House of Mini-Gladiators

Torture A Tot
( I went to a daycare as a child called Teach a Tot and that's what we nicknamed it, so can't take full credit for that one)

Deth From Below Waist Level

Teenage Olympics

So I know that people that have teenagers go through a lot with the huffing and puffing and all that jazz. So I got to thinking since we allow teenagers in the olympics, we should have olympics just for them. I mean we have some for people with down syndrome and shit so why not consider lack of of common sense and gratitude a disability as well.

Events could include, but are not limited to:  

The Door Slam: Contestants will not only slam a wooden but a metal door as well, and the final round will consist of attempting to slam a bank vault door.

The Sigh-Off: Participants will attempt to sigh as many times and as loudly as possible within the time limit.

The Bad Hair Choice: Contestants will have five minutes to look through magazines and after wards decide the dumbest, most ridiculous hairstyle they can come up with. Judges will include parents, teachers, and random strangers with a modicum of style.

The "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!" Event: Events will include sniffing paint, putting vodka in your eyeball, shaving curse words in the hair, driving while texting/talking to friends, and changing the Mp3 player settings. Time permitting, discussions on not getting pregnant if the month has an "R" in it.  


The No-Sense-of-Personal-Responsibility Event: Participants will attempt to devise excuses as to homework not being turned in, the dishes not being done, and why the dog has not water and just peed on the floor.

The Guilt Event: In a timed event contestants will have to convince their parents how horrible they are for making them come out of their room to eat and go to school. Bonus points will be awarded if the parents are made to cry and /or purchase more items to assuage their guilt.


Since every teenager "has" something these days drug testing will not be necessary, although any participant not currently taking medication must have something wrong with them as yet undiagnosed and therefore will be given drugs at the event.

The only participants to these events will be American  as contestants from other countries will be so enamored with the idea of electricity they would be distracted by the light switches at the arena.