home slice

So as a technician with dish network for 3 years, there are a few things I learned that I wish the customers would know. So as a service to the people who have service techs in their house, such as cable tv or plumbers, here is what you should know.

1. We don't give a shit if there are dirty clothes on the floor.
This is one of the most irritating things I always heard when walking into a house. A few items of clothing here and there doesn't make your house look like an episode of hoarders. We as technicians have been in houses that are straight out of hoarders. I can tell you this much, the show does nothing to demonstrate the smell of those houses. Like hot trash with pepper on it.

2. Your dog fucking bites. 
Oh, they don't bite. No dumb-ass, the dog doesn't bite you or your family. If it did, you wouldn't have the damn dog. I was bitten three times, all by dogs that didn't bite. And you know what those people said after their dogs bit me? "oh, they've never done that before." Well, fuck me running I'm so glad I was the first.

3. Stop following me. 
I know you are lonely and no one likes you, or you don't trust me and have to make sure I don't steal your Elvis plates, but stop following me around your house, in the attic, to my van, in the backyard, and in every goddamn bedroom. You know why I go in the attic? To get the fuck away from you. I know a guy who had a customer so close to his shoulder, he pulled the drill back after making a wall penetration and elbowed the customer in the face. You know what the customer did? Moved to the other side.

4. No, the shoes stay on.
I don't care what you do in your country mr. taliban, here in America unless you have white carpet you bleach every day along with your teeth the most I will do is put on little booties. It's a safety hazard and I don't want to step in the dog shit on your carpet in my socks. Seriously. I had a customer tell me to remove my shoes but in the corner they had dog shit on what used to be grey carpet.

5. I will not drink/smoke/inject anything you offer me.
I have been offered everything from a bowl of pot to a case of beer at 9 am on sunday. I'm flattered you feel comfortable enough with my presence to get me drunk/stoned before I begin work on your house, but falling off a ladder because you wanted to feel at one with me is just bad decision making on both our parts.

6. Ten feet won't matter.
I am what you call the subject matter expert. That means whatever I tell you is the way it is. Even if I just started I have already forgotten more that you know. In my case, when I said I could put the dish six feet off the ground instead of the tip of your very steep fucking roof, that's what I mean. The satellite is 20,000 miles away in space. Ten feet will not matter.

7. I'm not impressed.
Just because your wife/girlfriend/lover/dominatrix is standing there doesn't mean you have to brag about how much of a badass you are and how you could use the drill and do my job and all that goofy bullshit you think will make me seem like an idiot compared to you. If you knew how to do my job, you would do it yourself. Now go get drunk and forget you signed any paperwork.

8. Ummm, explain that please.
So we've covered I don't give a shit about your clothes on the floor or the trash not being taken out, but certain things DO require an explanation. Like for instance, (all true stories) the naked mannequin with flowers covering the crotch in your living room floor, answering the door by spraying febreze due to the smell of cat urine, the pictures of old west prostitutes lining your hallway, the bag of mysterious white powder laying on your bed, the backyard filled with roosters strategically tied by their feet as to not gain access to each other, why your ten year old son knows how to watch you taking a shower from the attic, man on horse porn in your dvd player. Yes, you will need to explain WTF when to comes to these items. Everything else, I  just want to get the fuck out of your house.