Open letter

To: Whom it may concern

Re: Saturn vehicles

Sub: DUMBASSES

           To the spawn of satan engineers to designed the saturn line of vehicles, I recently had the displeasure of attempting to perform maintenance on one of your demon-cars from hell. As I am not a mechanic, I had no idea that the common sense, what every other fucking car in the world looks like approach would not work on your ode to evil automobile. After somehow finding the part that needed replacing by doing a Google search, I was able to locate one half of the bolt needed to remove said part. But, as I would quickly find out morons, the other bolt was located in such a manner that the only way to see it, much less put a wrench to it, would be to go back in time, make my mother drink heavily during her pregnancy, and be born a midget. Upon dealing with the D students at the auto parts store, and finding out that ovals and squares do indeed look different, as most of learned from sesame street, I was able to get the correct part installed. But wait ass-clowns, there's more. After getting the right part installed, I was still not able to get the belt on. You know, that part that you retards decided was too easy to get on and off so you made it not work like, i dunno, EVERY OTHER GODDAMN CAR IN THE UNIVERSE! I apologize for yelling, I realize you people are probably drooling and/or beating your head on the floor right now, so any loud noise just makes you think the tv is on too loud. I will finish with this, I am not a praying man, but I pray that every time you get a stomach ache, it is God rearranging your organs, so that when you are involved in a catastrophic accident, and the doctors try to open you to save your life, they are met with your heart where your spleen should be, your stomach under your left arm, and you intestines in your head. THAT, my brain damaged friends, is what you call divine justice.

meyatt

fun times

So, you're sitting there on the internet and can't figure out what to look at? Here are some ideas:




Go to a retail website, such as walmart or best buy, and type in words like "pussy" or "fuck" in the search box

Think up the craziest sexual ideas you can, and do a google images search of those ideas

Create fake email accounts, and send dirty messages to all your friends

Sign in to message boards on say, CNN or FOX, and leave rambling posts about how walnuts have ruined america forever

Create fake profiles on dating websites that list as hobbies, "looking for houses with a well, will provide lotion"

taint-box inc.

So I hear on the radio about the walk for M.S., or multiple sclerosis, and it got me to thinking. Isnt that kind of mean to walk "for" M.S. when walking would be kind of difficult for people with that disease to walk. It's like "walking for people with wheelchairs". Kind of a slap in the face to people in my expert medical opinion. And why is it always a walk for something. Like, walk for aids, walk for cancer. I dont want either of those diseases and I sure as hell dont want to to walk for them.

You would make such an adorable cyclops!

Please refrain from pistol whipping the children.

Remember that no always means no..............Unless it's a marmoset and they DESERVE what they get. 

poo poo parachute

So, are the profits made by Tampax considered blood money?

What happens if I set a humidifier and a de-humidifier in a room together, do they fight?

Can't decide what to get my parents for x-mas. They're so old I know whatever I give them is going to come back to me in a few years.

Whatever your disease or affliction, I'M AWARE!

spider crotch,
meyatt

true story...plus more

So when I worked for dish network you would see all kinds of crazy shit. People smoking joints right in front of you, houses so nasty they smelled like hot trash with pepper on it. But the craziest shit I ever saw was this apt I went into. The customer opened the door, a guy, and the apt was set up so when you opened the door you could see all the way to the back patio. So in the living room was this life size naked mannequin, a male mannequin, that was laying in the middle of the floor, with both arms out to it's side, knees up, and flowers covering the crotch. I had to step over this mannequin to get to the back patio.  The customer felt no explanation was needed for this item in his livingroom, and to be honest I felt like if I did ask his buddy was probably waiting in the closet to jump out at me or some shit like that upon asking what it was about. I left the apt and laughed about it for years afterwards.

ALTERNATE ENDING:

As I was about to leave the customer asked me if I had any sausage seasoning in my van. I of course thought this was odd so I responded with a handful of rabbit semen that my dog had threw up earlier and placed it on the train of rabid midgets that since had been parading around the room. After we completed a set of rocket powered artificial insemination we both screamed slug fingers at the passing north american snowroach.

much like a retarded girl with really nice tits, you are a WASTE!!!


poo poo,
meyatt

Inspiration

Today's motivational saying: Do not hump the bees.

marketing genius

So I'm in the grocery store today and I see multiple items with the label "NOW BETTER TASTING".  So, let me see, the shit that you were giving us before tasted like shit, you knew it tasted like shit, but you still sold it. So now for some reason in your divine benevolence you have deemed us worthy of the good shit. I mean, is that what people learn when they go to college and study marketing? I am still incredulous as to the thought process that went down. the conversation must have gone like this:

Head Honcho Guy: "So, we make food products, have done so for 40 years, sales are down, we need a new idea to increase revenue."

Marketing Guy: "I got it, we call everything better tasting."

Head Honcho Guy: "I love it."

While I was in Alaska the weather people used to predict that the high temperature would be be between 30 and 45 degrees. That's a 15 degree difference! WTF! They went to college for that! Shit I could predict that for free if I had a 15 degree window to operate in.

HUMP YOU LIKE A SPATULA

So when I was a kid I used to worry about sleeping next to the window because someone might throw a brick through the window and boom, there I am. I was like, 5 or 6 at the time.

I don't believe in goblins or ghosts or monsters in the closet or shit like that, I know nothing is coming to get me from the dark, but I am 30 years old and I still cannot sleep if any part of my body is hanging off the bed.

So every woman I've ever been involved with does the same thing: Are you hungry? Do you want to go here? The thing is that they want to do those things but by asking if you want to do it then it becomes your idea.

Chicks dig two things: scars and stuffed animals.

When trees pee, everyone calls it "sap"