Signs

Seems everyone is putting out lists these days about how to tell if a guy is into you. So,  I have put together my own list for all you women out there.

FIVE SIGNS HE'S INTO YOU
By Matt Janak

1) He asks you out on a date, and then shows up.
Most guys will tell you they would like to take you out, and often times they do such things as make plans and clear their schedule to do so. This is a sure fire sign he likes you. "I once asked this woman out from the grocery store," says Greg, 28, "and then we went out later that week."

2) After the first date, he calls you to set up a second date.
This is probably the best way to determine if he is into you. A lot of guys will in fact ask for the second date if they enjoyed themselves on the first one. " We really hit it off when we went out for the first time, so I asked her out again the next night." Explains Tom, 21.

3)When the second date is over, he asks for a third and fourth date. 
Experts say this is the way most men nowadays proceed when they enjoy the company of a particular woman. Dr. Toppenbottom of University State College has done multiple studies on the subject, and has found the following: "What we have seen in the last few years is a tendency to ask for future dates if the first few were enjoyable for both parties."

4) He asks you to marry him after dating for a length of time.
Over the last few decades in America the statistics have shown that the majority of women getting married in recent years have dated the men for months or even years prior to the engagement. That was the case for Kate, 34. "We dated for about a year and a half before he asked me to marry him, and then I had a feeling he was into me."

5) He actually goes through with the marriage and bears children with you. 
Most anecdotal evidence leads people to believe that when a man actually marries a woman and later has children with her, this is a good indicator of him being "in" to her. So says Maria and Donald, both 43. "We dated for a couple years, got married, and had 3 children." says Maria. "After about 6 years I thought to myself, maybe he is into me." Donald adds, " Im into her."

Rye-ming

So I got to thinking, most sayings that last thought the years last because they rhyme. " an apple a day keeps the doctor away", " he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day", and think about all the songs people listen to over and over. They all rhyme n shit. So, as a public service to humanity, I have decided to create some of my own.

"Constipation everywhere do not hump an angry bear"

" Titties titties in my face where are zebras wearing lace?"

"Masturbate with cheese grater give yourself pain no greater"


"Poo poo pee pee in the sink, vomit on the roller rink"

"Alpaca buttocks on the wall, cabbage taint and you may fall"

"Me chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your coke"

Daycare

So I'm thinking that the current name (Robin's Nest) for a daycare by my house is a little, pussified. Basically a giant wimp factory for children. I think they should rename it to something that would make people want to bring their children there, something that even if you don't have children will make you want to go impregnate a random woman just to put them in this daycare. Here are a few names I've been kicking around and think would do the job niceley:

Rabies Nest


Anthrax For Kids

Weapons N Stuff

Lil' Sycos

Ma's House of Mini-Gladiators

Torture A Tot
( I went to a daycare as a child called Teach a Tot and that's what we nicknamed it, so can't take full credit for that one)

Deth From Below Waist Level

Teenage Olympics

So I know that people that have teenagers go through a lot with the huffing and puffing and all that jazz. So I got to thinking since we allow teenagers in the olympics, we should have olympics just for them. I mean we have some for people with down syndrome and shit so why not consider lack of of common sense and gratitude a disability as well.

Events could include, but are not limited to:  

The Door Slam: Contestants will not only slam a wooden but a metal door as well, and the final round will consist of attempting to slam a bank vault door.

The Sigh-Off: Participants will attempt to sigh as many times and as loudly as possible within the time limit.

The Bad Hair Choice: Contestants will have five minutes to look through magazines and after wards decide the dumbest, most ridiculous hairstyle they can come up with. Judges will include parents, teachers, and random strangers with a modicum of style.

The "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!" Event: Events will include sniffing paint, putting vodka in your eyeball, shaving curse words in the hair, driving while texting/talking to friends, and changing the Mp3 player settings. Time permitting, discussions on not getting pregnant if the month has an "R" in it.  


The No-Sense-of-Personal-Responsibility Event: Participants will attempt to devise excuses as to homework not being turned in, the dishes not being done, and why the dog has not water and just peed on the floor.

The Guilt Event: In a timed event contestants will have to convince their parents how horrible they are for making them come out of their room to eat and go to school. Bonus points will be awarded if the parents are made to cry and /or purchase more items to assuage their guilt.


Since every teenager "has" something these days drug testing will not be necessary, although any participant not currently taking medication must have something wrong with them as yet undiagnosed and therefore will be given drugs at the event.

The only participants to these events will be American  as contestants from other countries will be so enamored with the idea of electricity they would be distracted by the light switches at the arena.

















                                                                                                                                                                             

BEES!

So as I was sniffing various substances I found under the sink, I came across a realization, that all the world's conflicts can be traced back to one source: bees. Not just those vicious, bloodthirsty creatures innocently called "bumble bees", I mean the misnomered "honey bee" as they are known in certain circles. The fact is if you look at all the major conflicts, I mean objectivly look at them, you can find traces of bees. You find the ancient egyptians built entire pyramids just to get away from the black and yellow killing machines. You find Ghengis Khan wasn't really all that bad to start out with, he just had a constant bee problem. look closely at the pictures you see of Hitler and Stalin, I mean REALLY close. What do you see? What's that? No, to the left. Too far, right there, THERE! BEES! SEE! That is what I'm talking about. What is the one thing that would survive a nuclear holocost? Roaches? No, that is a lie spread by the bee industry. The only thing that would survive an atomic blast would be bees. Ever wonder how they made the atomic bomb in 1945? Bees. All those scientists worked for so many years and in the end, they used bee farts in a jar to make it happen. And honey? That's noe bee spit like they tell you in school, another "big bee" lie, it's bee urine. They basically pee all day and all night and the end result is what we call honey. Even as I write this men in dark black and yellow helicopters are circling overhead my house, waiting to take me away. I come to this conclusion with a heavy heart as I have no solution lasdjewkdfo , wel[pqw[pw

ALL HAIL BEES. BEES ARE GOOD. GO BACK TO YOUR BEE FILLED LIVES. NOTHING MORE TO READ.

It's a what?

So, about a year or so ago just to be a dick I re-wrote the ending to it's a wonderful life. My girlfriend's favorite movie. Here it is, hope you like it.

“George”. He heard the voice faintly say. More apologizing than actually trying to get someone’s attention. “George.” He heard more sternly this time, like a parent who really meant business . He suddenly realized Clarence was talking to him. George slowly turned his entire body around to face the voice he heard, then lifted his head to look in the eyes of his guardian angel. “guardian”, he thought to himself. Hmm. What exactly does he guard me from? “George” said Clarence again, “what are you doing up here?” George half smiled, “seems pretty obvious don’t it”. Clarence stepped forward, “what are you doing with that gun George?” he asked, already keenly aware of the answer. “ well, said George, if I was never born, then nobody gets their feelins hurt by my actions. My mother is just Ms. Bailey, my brother died in the pond, nobody knows me, I’m  just some nut in the bell tower”. Clarence glanced nervously over the side, “but George, all those people down there, what did they ever do to you? Why take their lives just because you have lost your own?” George looked down at his rifle, a simple piece, couldn’t even remember how he got it. “ if I have no life”, he muttered, “ then nobody else will either”. Suddenly he whipped around took aim at the police barricade to take another shot. He told himself he was aiming at Burt, but there was no way to tell. Too many police cars, too many bodies, too many spotlights trying to blind him to prevent more bloodshed. The police fired a few rounds at the tower above and below George,  not really trying to hit him as much as make him crouch back down. All in an effort to buy time for the group heading up the stairs. “George please” cried Clarence, “why are you doing this? You were supposed to be happy with the life you had, and beg me to give it back to you, not try to kill everyone in town!”  George sat back down with his back to the ledge. He sighed slowly. “Clarence, sometimes a man has to realize what he is. Some men are great, some men are bums. Some men are rich, some men are poor. Some of us are meant to do great things, and some of us…” his voice trailed off as he realized there was no turning back anymore. He had gone off the deep end. His life before was gone. Mary, the kids, his brother, his father, the business, the house, the car, old man potter, all of it was gone now. Laying in the street with those people in the red snow. None of it mattered anymore. He could hear the faintness of Clarence sobbing, as much to himself as to God it seemed.” It wasn’t supposed to be this way!” Clarence shouted at the heavens, “ he was supposed to repent! I’ve failed him! I’ve failed you lord! Please forgive me!” George heard the sounds of a door being battered in with great force, and looked up in time to see Burt charging toward him, gun drawn, face contorted with both confusion and anger, yet not slowing at the site of his past life friend. George raised the empty rifle, pointed it at the oncoming crowd, and……

Open letter

To: Whom it may concern

Re: Saturn vehicles

Sub: DUMBASSES

           To the spawn of satan engineers to designed the saturn line of vehicles, I recently had the displeasure of attempting to perform maintenance on one of your demon-cars from hell. As I am not a mechanic, I had no idea that the common sense, what every other fucking car in the world looks like approach would not work on your ode to evil automobile. After somehow finding the part that needed replacing by doing a Google search, I was able to locate one half of the bolt needed to remove said part. But, as I would quickly find out morons, the other bolt was located in such a manner that the only way to see it, much less put a wrench to it, would be to go back in time, make my mother drink heavily during her pregnancy, and be born a midget. Upon dealing with the D students at the auto parts store, and finding out that ovals and squares do indeed look different, as most of learned from sesame street, I was able to get the correct part installed. But wait ass-clowns, there's more. After getting the right part installed, I was still not able to get the belt on. You know, that part that you retards decided was too easy to get on and off so you made it not work like, i dunno, EVERY OTHER GODDAMN CAR IN THE UNIVERSE! I apologize for yelling, I realize you people are probably drooling and/or beating your head on the floor right now, so any loud noise just makes you think the tv is on too loud. I will finish with this, I am not a praying man, but I pray that every time you get a stomach ache, it is God rearranging your organs, so that when you are involved in a catastrophic accident, and the doctors try to open you to save your life, they are met with your heart where your spleen should be, your stomach under your left arm, and you intestines in your head. THAT, my brain damaged friends, is what you call divine justice.

meyatt